imaginary friend,

i saw your face in the wind

telling tails of tomorrow like its already there.

filling the pages of my mind with 

red

yellow

blue

splatters of ink.

i can make it out that i wont make it out.

but i'm fine with that 

cause i don't want to know.

its more honest like that anyway, lets be real.

we're just streams of blood pumping

to feed the muscle on our minds.

i wont give up 

i'll give up

i want to give up

its to easy

but its so fucking easy

so ill close my eyes and keep on running, maybe slow it down to a walk when i get comfortable

-Candy Hearts

jump, flinch

unmerciful-honest

cut from the razor

a wild free fall

glowing with glee - landing 

burns from the embers before they fade

a heart pumps to move blood

catch phrase compressed colored sugar- professing its love to paste on smiles.

just another day.

walls won't grow on their own,

hills only fade when they're out of sight.

anxious young couples retreating to back-seats, basements, and bedrooms

together, blissfully oblivious in search of a

sensation they believe will last.

radiant glowing youth

end up fused to the couch on the same day in February- 40  years passed 

authentic bullshit being ordered through tele-charge to change your life.

lovely is this hole;

But to plummet to the bottom before at least dancing around the edge is a waste of time. 

-thinking at work

some days on the way to school id rather just keep driving and see where i end up...get off at random exits, make crazy turns, and just see where i bring myself...i almost can't justify not doing so (besides the money college costs). What would happen if i did that...I'd be wherever i ended up, alive, and all id be doing is experiencing a new place. i feel like the parents and teachers and and most people make kids or young adults feel as if taking that time to themselves will ruin them and lead them a life of finical instability and set them back making it tough for them to get their life going...college is always going to be around, and granted, no matter what, to become self sufficient you'll need a job and going to school will help you out a lot. but then where do you ever truly have time for yourself... being only 20 i want to see so much more than there is around me, and hopefully I'll take myself places some how, and have the opportunity to experience a lot more. i just think its fucked up that we get scared into school because the world revolves around money and all that most kids focus on their starting pay rather than their life that they have the chance to mold into whatever it is they want.

-watch heart of darkness

i am aware of my capabilities and what i can accomplish. i believe in myself. the fact that i don't believe anyone else dose is just a motivator, not even a problem, just an added bonus, and that's how i like it. i don't have anything to prove, just things to do that i love, things to take all the way.

"do not get off the boat, unless you are ready to go all the way"

-thats hard

my stomach is full and the sinks overflown,

my head against the plastic draft table

here she comes to save the day.

comforted by what is mine,

after i feel down 

you pushed me down

further.

set me a aside.

and still while you lay and laugh and yell and drink.

i sleep on my desk.

-squid

from what i heard

the squids don't lose their grip

they fuse to faces

Ive been here for about 20 yrs and not much I've ever learned has come from a book. Some days i think I'd be better off reading more and learning, but others i feel like I'm better off just taking life in without all the bullshit. I don't think i know everything at all, really i don't think i know much of anything, but I've been doing fine thus far. to me a teacher is a squid... they try to latch onto you, only to cover you in a dark misty substance and blind you. the why schooling is set up is too uniform, and kids aren't given enough creative freedom to explore any other paths other than what the text reads. ever since your younger your learning how and how and how and no one ever gives you a chance to figure anything out. babies are genius in the sense they they can just play...regardless of what anyone will think a child with try and try to fit a square block into a circle space for hours until he understands it belongs in the square... that's true understanding to me.

-Eskabar

listen

go on

you're in trouble

big trouble

so if i were you
id just Shut up,
and listen.
2 cars were stolen
from 7 11
and we know you did it,
a car is on its way over to pick you up.
if you try to leave,
you will be shot
by a man
on your roof.

...its all just a waiting game now

-slipping

witnessing- hairline cracks.   

when you're made of glass and you

          b

            r

           e   a

               k   yourself

the 

        p

         i

       e

         c 

       e

         s 

just don't go back together the 

same.

-this probably all wont make any sense..

I made this because i've been feeling like i need to write down some of the things that have been on my mind lately and this seems like a cool way to do it.

i haven't written much lately besides on my way to buffalo...

life's moving along as always.

i have come to the conclusion that thinking to much about thinking to much is one of the most fucked up things you can do.

i've been thinking a lot about everything and how life is just so scary.

i feel like i'm coming to this point where its time to gather myself and figure out what the fuck i am here for and what i want to be doing with myself.

thinking about existence is also really making me wonder, i have no idea what this all means...or where it all came from, i just live it...i've been very oblivious in the sense that i really haven't thought to much about all of that, but its mainly because i know that no one will be able to give me an answer with proof cause no one knows. its just really been hitting me lately this all came from somewhere, and i have no clue about anything; yet all of that dosn't even invoke the urge in me to read up and form an opinion it more just puts things in a whole new light to me, and gives me an overwhelming want to just see as much as i can while i can.

i want to live my life to the fullest possible extent and i refuse to not enjoy it.

decisions decisions decisions...

permanence is frightening, 

i'm permanently flexible, and i just have to learn to be flexible to permanence.

i didn't vote,

i've been getting into it all a little more than usual, enough to know that i want Barak Obama to be the president, but not enough to really feel like i should vote....its just because i feel like i should have been on it the whole time to really be sure.

i'm switching school again and going back to five towns...i'm excited to see my friends and to be playing music again and learn with real film equipment... but ill definitely miss it here with adam and chirs...i really lucked out with them they have been really awesome to live with, i don't know how i'm going to like living home again...it definitely wont be as fun for the time being, but when i'm home i am so much more productive, so thats always good...and i'm sure i'm still going to be making a lot of trips back to brooklyn and the city.

turning 20 is intense.... i don't even know what to think about that

but i think i'm going to give this thing a break and stop here

i'm glad i wrote this though.

this is good

we'er bonding.

-joey